Sometimes The Past Hurts

Regrets, Infidelity, grieving, PTSD, What was in the dark shall always come to light…

I find that I’m very fortunate to live the life that I live. I am so very thankful for the people who helped me get to where I am and and the people who will help me get to where I’m going.

I am young, I don’t know everything, but I know sometimes past events hurt. Sometimes I have random moments where hurt feelings, bad intentions, or trauma pop into my head. I don’t know if it’s apart of depression or just because I’m over what happened but that doesn’t take the damage that’s already been done away.

Sometimes the bad things creep in my mind and it just hurts. Even my own past actions, or finding out something that happened before me and my husband were together.

Just like some things move my heart positively and lift my spirits high, there are things that just hurt my heart to the core and make my throat swell every time I think about it.

It’s almost like an addicts relapse, anything can trigger it and it isn’t intentional.

How do you cope when the past hurt creeps in?

Someone who Understands

Sometimes I just go through the most annoying periods of my life where I’m just depressed and I know I’m depressed.

Right now I’m going through postpartum depression and I never even realized I was depressed until I had a full mental break down. But, it definitely helps because my best friend is going through it too. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t want to wish any kind of depression on anyone, but my best friend and I had babies a month apart so she does understand mentally and physically right here and now what I’m going through.

I may not know what everyone is going through individually but I do know that having someone who doesn’t judge, doesn’t make the situation about them, and can still sympathize with what your going through can really be a wonderful thing.

I guess this is just kind of like an appreciation post for all those people out there who understand and support their loved ones whether they are blood relation or not. So thank you to the people out there who are our support systems.

Post Partum Paranoia

Being a first time parent is one of the scariest milestones anyone can go through. You over think and over react to just about any and everything. You question yourself as a parent and as an individual. You even freak out just going to the grocery store. Paranoia gets to you whenever it comes to your precious bundle of joy. This is about the paranoia I go through as a new mommy in 2019 and how I try to overcome it day by day. Hopefully it will help you get through rough patches where paranoia and anxiety get to you about your child.

My Story

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So I had my baby in mid may of this year, 2019, and prior to having her I was fine. while I was pregnant I never thought that my attitude would change about my baby in any way. Actually I thought I was going to take my baby every where and show her off to the world and show people of how proud I am to be her mommy. But in all honesty my paranoia about my babies safety started the same night she was born.

When she was born everything worried me. I was scared she would quit breathing, scared that I was being too rough, I was even scared that the nurses were not doing a thorough enough job and could be harming her. After taking her home my brain went into overdrive with these kind of thoughts… irrational thoughts. If you’re anything like me you’re a worry wart. I think of something negative and then my mind takes it THERE. When I say it takes it THERE I mean to that place where the thoughts are super negative and most likely would never happen in my life time.

This kind of thinking still happens to me at least once a week. No I am not depressed, or going through baby blues, or even post part depression. I would never think of hurting my baby nor am I unhappy in day to day life. But when I watch the news or see posts on facebook about missing kids, babies getting killed in daycare, school shootings, and many many other bad situations, I can’t help but fear the worst scenarios. When I think of these scenarios it makes me want to shelter my baby from the evil outside world.

How I Cope With These Negative Thoughts

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There’s no way in the world that I can prevent ALL the bad things away from my child. Matter of fact I don’t want to because she will one day have to learn how to deal with bad things on her own. But to help get rid of a lot of the paranoia of the unknown I try to get out of my comfort zone in a positive way. I still watch the news because it keeps me updated with what I need to know but I do not let that stop me from doing what I need to do and experiencing what I want to with my daughter.

For example, I have a fear that if I go to the store and take my eye off her for one second to pick up something someone will kidnap her and I won’t be able to do anything about it. So to make myself feel better when we do go to the store I take her father or someone else related with me to have a sense of back up. Someone else who will have eyes on my child as well. I also carry pepper spray just in case for my safety and my daughters. Even if you don’t have pepper spray you can carry perfume it isn’t as harsh but it’ll still burn someones eyes .

I also try to enjoy the little things with my daughter and turn those negative thoughts into positive thoughts. If I want to take my baby to go on a playdate or somewhere fun I try to be cautious as well as have fun. take pictures and bask in the moment while I can. I have learned that you will miss all the big stuff in your babies life if you sweat the little stuff. So I try to go ahead and do the things that give me that paranoia and reassure myself by taking protective precautions.

If your thoughts are more “deadly” in a sense of you want to harm yourself, others, or your baby, I would recommend seeking help. Talk to your doctor or maybe go to a therapist if things are just too much for you. You can also take time away from your baby if need be to calm down and release some stress.

In conclusion/ Summary

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I do worry quite a bit but I do not let that stop me from enjoying my life with my little one. There are plenty of ways to reassure yourself that everything will be ok in the long run by taking precautions but going ahead and facing your irrational fears. If you are having fatal thoughts please seek professional help there are so many outlets that you can use. I hope that this helped in any kind of way, even if it just made you feel better that your not alone in how you think.

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Please let me know your irrational fears when it comes to your child/children, or any questions or comments in the comments section below.